Hello

THE HURT

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Being born to addict parents who were deeply neglectful and abusive shaped the entire experience of my childhood through teen years. I was blessed with an amazing set of great-grandparents who were able to offer some relief early in life, and then a superhero of a foster mom who assisted me in the later years.

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My early trauma and insecure attachment had sweeping effects on my adult life, from disabling me during college to undermining nearly every personal relationship I attempted to form. The list of impacts are as long as my arm, culminating in a suicide attempt and hospitalization in my early 20s - when my young child was just 1.5 years old.

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Having been on the edge of death, with nothing to stop me but me, I made a promise to my Self and my beautiful child that I would do everything in my power to never put myself there again. That started a journey that continues to this day.

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In the last decade, I have dedicated my life to climbing the spiral of recovery and evolution.

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THE HEALING

 

At first the journey was about getting my mental health under control. Which I did through the use of therapy, therapeutic learning, and medication. As soon as my mental health was mostly under control, my spiritual health became my next task - including the exploration and healing of my childhood trauma.

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The biggest step I took was to quit a high-paying office job that kept me separated from my family and child for 13+ hours a day. We sold everything we owned and moved into an intentional community in the Pacific Northwest. I had no way of knowing just how pivotal that move would be...

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RE-CONNECTING

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I spent the next 4+ years living with 30-60 other people, stewarding an 87 acre piece of shared land and working to educate the world on personal and ecological sustainability. We worked and lived together using Sociocracy - a form of governance based in consent. I learned to breath, communicate, move my body, facilitate, mediate, open myself to others, and a million other little things that helped me slowly start to peel back the layers of trauma.

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During my time in community, I participated in a sacred medicine ceremony, overseen by a trained facilitator. This medicine returned my psyche, for a brief time, to it's natural state - completely outside the trauma. I was able to see my body and soul in their purest form which, while fleeting, has been a North Star - an inextinguishable light guiding me home to myself. 

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Just before COVID hit the world, sensing that I was hitting some blocks to my growth, I decided to leave my little intentional community. I spent time with beloved friends, and even made a 5000 mile journey to Derby, England to meet the love of my life.

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ALONE

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Upon returning to the US, I decided to take the opportunity of having "no roots" to tackle one of my biggest fears: homelessness. I spent several months living out of my best friend's van, actively working to heal the housing insecurity that plagued my childhood. The goal through this was to heal the wound, but I also made it a priority to save and search for a tiny house to renovate and make my home.

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I did just that, moving myself into the deep woods of Southern Oregon. While the land was beautifully feral and amazing, it was also very rough and demanded a lot from me - as the wilds so often do. 

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Burning sun turned my little plot of Earth into a dry, cracked, poison-oak wasteland. My body flared in response, breaking out in huge, painful welts. A kidney infection landed me in the hospital. Then, heavy snows took down parts of my shelter. Rats constantly encroached, trying to find warmth and food. The furnace went out and I realistically thought I might perish in the thick winter. 

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With some luck, bits of assistance, and an inner strength I didn't know I had, I made it through a year and half before I made another move - this time at a communal farm just outside Oregon's capital. While it became clear that this wasn't my 'final place', I learned an incredible amount about true ecological sustainability and got to explore new interpersonal dynamics.

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BECOMING

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All of the wandering of the last few years has left me tired. More tired than I ever anticipated. 

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In my travels, I discovered that I am undeniably neurodivergent. My masks were held so tightly that I believed them to be who I really am. This made my life confusing, but much more tragically, it prevented anyone (including myself) from really knowing me.

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Having the support of my beautiful, neurodivergent partner, and a wider ND community, have helped me immensely in finding the magic of my own authenticity. A magic that I am still seeing unfold before me.

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LIVING IN-LOVE

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My partner became my fiance in the winter of 2021, when she visited from the UK. We are traveling as safely as possible back and forth, until we can get financially stable enough to get married. She is not only my biggest support but also the strongest and healthiest person I know. 

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I cultivated a network of people who I've learned to unmask around. I've learned that I need to be very careful with my energy and choose my people very carefully. My circles are smaller, but so much more powerful, these days.

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I'm returning to being a full-time mother for my 13 year old child, working closely with their father's family to co-create an environment to thrive in. Mothering this child is one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. So much so that we've decided to homeschool for next school year.

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My driving force in life is working as a peer-supporter. The joy and fulfilment I experience entering those sacred spaces with peers and communities is completely indescribable. There is a deep and tragic beauty to holding someone's hand as they face their deepest fears and pains. I often walk away from classes and content creation with a sense of awe and honor. 

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If you got this far - Thank You. It is so powerful to me, to get to share my story here with you.

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 "The Divine in Me sees and honors the Divine in You."​​​​​​​​​

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